eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
