So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
