Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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