Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
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Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
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sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire