Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?