Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.