Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
