I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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