I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
