I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
