Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
