i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
