we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
