I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
