Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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