I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
