the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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