remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
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you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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