remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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