dude i'm inner monologue high
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
