i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
