I just threw up on my dentist
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
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