Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Found the puke drawer
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
