i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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