highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
