I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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