You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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