so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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