I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
