I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
