Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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