You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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