I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
