I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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