All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
