I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
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Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
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In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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