I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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