i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
