Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
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