Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Randomize
