Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
