All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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