You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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