your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just puked most of my soul out..
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
