we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
