Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
