if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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