Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
