I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
