Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
How does it feel to date your dad?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
