she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
