I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
