I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
