I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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