final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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