so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
