im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
