she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
