Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
