I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
